Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
