filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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