My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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