What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize