I am in a vortex of obligation.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
