He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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