Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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