sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
