Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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