I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
