Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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