We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
