Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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