thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hippo gnu deer
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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