I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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