Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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