I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
