she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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