So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
