areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
