you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
