i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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