Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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