You smell like a Billy Joel song
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize