OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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