Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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