i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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