Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How's work?
Spinning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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