I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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