brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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