he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
