Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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