it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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