I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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