Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
