Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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