1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
