Porn is love you can see.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
