I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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