am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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