Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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