Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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