I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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