It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
