we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
