I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
