dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
