I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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