Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this just has baby written all over it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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