just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
