even my farts smell like vagina
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
