I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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