I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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