You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
