only if we run a train.
done.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize