Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
