that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
