My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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