shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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