My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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