she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
